Understanding the Difference Between Meltdowns and Tantrums

In any parenting journey, having the tools to understand your child's behaviour can be key to being able to offer them the correct support to guide them through their emotions and life in general.  For children with Autism (or even un-diagnosed) there is a difference between a child having what is called a 'tantrum' and that of what is called a 'meltdown'. Although they may seem similar on the surface, they are often very different in terms of triggers and purposes, and it is important to respond in the best way to both. Here we will break down the core differences, to, hopefully help you understand your child and respond to their behaviour in the best way possible. 

 What is a Tantrum?
A tantrum is a form of expression when a child is upset because they have been able to get something they want or need. They may, cry, scream or throw objects to express their frustration or communicate unmet needs. These can include frustrations over unmet desires (such as not getting a toy or snack), feeling ignored or not getting attention. 
Purpose: - Tantrums are goal driven, and aimed at achieving a specific outcome. For example a child may throw a tantrum in order to gain attention or try and get what they want. 
What to look out for: - look for behaviours such as crying or screaming that stop when the child's demands are met.  

What is a Meltdown? (also known as Autistic Meltdown)
Meltdowns mainly occur in those with a form of neurodiversity but it is possible for anyone to have one at any given time. 
An Autistic Meltdown is not goal driven, it is the response to an overwhelming sensory or emotional input. During a meltdown a child is experiencing overload and is not in control of their actions, for autistic children, its their bodies way of trying to cope with an environment or situation that has become too difficult or overwhelming to process. 
Common triggers include:  Sensory Overload, (eg, too much light, noise or touch), a sudden change in routine or expected situation. 
Purpose: Meltdowns are not about getting something or manipulating a situation, they are an involuntary response to overwhelming stress similar to a release valve when there is too much pressure. 
Signs of a meltdown can include: - Rocking, flapping, covering ears, in some cases the child may scream or vocalise loudly, or shutdown.  It is not uncommon for children to harm themselves or lash out due to the overwhelming stress. Unlike a tantrum, they will not resolve when the demand is met and can sometimes last hours. 
When a child comes out of a meltdown they may not remember what happened, or aspects of what happened, which is part of the flight and fight response. 
What are the best ways to support a child through either:
Tantrum - Stay calm, and set clear boundaries. Offer understanding without giving in to the demands. Help them to express their feelings and emotions by using phrases such as 'I can see you are frustrated....'
Meltdown - During the meltdown shift your focus to reducing the sensory overload or stress trigger.. try and lead them to a quiet space and provide sensory reducing items such as headphones, weighted blankets, and be patient. remain present and continue to offer reassurance until it passes. 

When my daughter was younger, she used to have expressive meltdowns frequently the loud vocalised type. These were all due to a specific sensory overload. Over time we learnt to pin point her major triggers and act on reducing those before a meltdown occurs. Noise cancelling headphones and weighted blankets and animals helped a lot, as well as having a quiet place for her to retreat to when she needed. Sometimes they would be quite horrific, and yes we had people staring and sometimes neighbours peaking out wondering what was going on. Self harm was one of the hardest things we managed during these as she used to bite herself so hard drawing blood sometimes. 
She is now 12 years old, and her meltdowns have become more internal with a shutdown process, this does not mean we are immune to the more vocal and explosive types but they have reduced. The hardest part is often seeing the exhaustion afterwards.. like they have just fought the battle of their life with their brain. it can take a couple of hours for my daughter to recover from a meltdown - when she was younger it wouldn't be uncommon for her to actually fall asleep. 
Distinguishing between the two can take time.. because autistic children are not immune to tantrums either. It is the way we respond to each one that is important. 


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Image from https://focusflorida.com/aba-therapy/tantrum-or-sensory-meltdown-fort-myers-aba-therapists-explain/